Welcome back,
Yesterday afternoon, I felt it was time to swallow my pride on an issue that has been weighing heavily on me for almost 7 years. This was a battle of who is the most stubborn, a "Last Woman Standing" challenge, if you will... An on going battle between my Mother and I.
I guess there is no better place to start, than the beginning...
This all goes back...to the Spring of 2001. I had called my mother to let her know that I was getting Married and I was hoping that she could be there. She was happy for me and just let me know that she too had gotten remarried (for the 3rd time) to a man I don't approve of... but that's a whole other story for another day.
Knowing how I felt about her new husband, she asked if he was invited too... I told her that I could not in good conscience have that man there knowing what he's done and the fact that there will be small children there... believe me, it's not just a petty matter of me disliking him... I have good reason... the fact that he can't be trusted alone with a child should be enough..
Anyway... my mother took offense to my answer and said that since he's not invited, she wasn't going either
That was disappointing.... My mother has missed out on so many things in my life, like the Sweet 16, the 18th birthday, the 21st birthday, the heartbreaks of young puppy love, and now what is suppose to be the best day of my life, she willingly tossed aside.
Long story short, the wedding went as planned and she never did show up. The fact that she couldn't set her pride aside for a few hours still breaks my heart. Her loss I guess...or at least that what I tell myself...
Since then, we have not said 1 word to each other... well until yesterday.
I have had her phone# on my fridge for over a year now, contemplating whether or not I should be the one to make the first move.... again. I got to thinking about how she might be feeling all these years, knowing her kids are somewhere out there, and neither of them call or try to make contact with her. Thinking it must be hard on her and maybe I'm ready to forgive her for the choices she'd made. I will admit that growing up with out a mother was tough, and there were many times I could have used a shoulder to cry on or some motherly advise....
So yesterday afternoon, I finally picked up the phone and made the call... She said she was happy to hear from me and wondered how long it would take before one of us would contact her. She also admitted that her pride got in the way and joked about that being the 1 trade i inherited from her.
Before I made the call, I was unsure of what to say to her after so many years.... but after a few minutes I got all emotional and as much as I tried to hold back the sniffling and the tears, I couldn't... I'm passing it off as many years of bottled up emotions...
We were able to catch up on things for about 30 minutes before my phone died, but we have each other on MSN now.... So at least the line of communication is somewhat open. I'm not looking to be all buddy buddy with her, in some respects I have to get to know her again. You see, I have not lived with her since I was 9 years old, 21 years ago...again... that's another story.
For me it about getting closure... and finally being able to put the past behind me and letting go of a grudge that I've held on to for so long. We've lost so many years and missed out on so many things....I've thrown in the towel, hoping that I get positive results. Or at least knowing I tried and made the attempt....
Thanks again for reading/listening....
Yesterday afternoon, I felt it was time to swallow my pride on an issue that has been weighing heavily on me for almost 7 years. This was a battle of who is the most stubborn, a "Last Woman Standing" challenge, if you will... An on going battle between my Mother and I.
I guess there is no better place to start, than the beginning...
This all goes back...to the Spring of 2001. I had called my mother to let her know that I was getting Married and I was hoping that she could be there. She was happy for me and just let me know that she too had gotten remarried (for the 3rd time) to a man I don't approve of... but that's a whole other story for another day.
Knowing how I felt about her new husband, she asked if he was invited too... I told her that I could not in good conscience have that man there knowing what he's done and the fact that there will be small children there... believe me, it's not just a petty matter of me disliking him... I have good reason... the fact that he can't be trusted alone with a child should be enough..
Anyway... my mother took offense to my answer and said that since he's not invited, she wasn't going either
That was disappointing.... My mother has missed out on so many things in my life, like the Sweet 16, the 18th birthday, the 21st birthday, the heartbreaks of young puppy love, and now what is suppose to be the best day of my life, she willingly tossed aside.Long story short, the wedding went as planned and she never did show up. The fact that she couldn't set her pride aside for a few hours still breaks my heart. Her loss I guess...or at least that what I tell myself...
Since then, we have not said 1 word to each other... well until yesterday.
I have had her phone# on my fridge for over a year now, contemplating whether or not I should be the one to make the first move.... again. I got to thinking about how she might be feeling all these years, knowing her kids are somewhere out there, and neither of them call or try to make contact with her. Thinking it must be hard on her and maybe I'm ready to forgive her for the choices she'd made. I will admit that growing up with out a mother was tough, and there were many times I could have used a shoulder to cry on or some motherly advise....
So yesterday afternoon, I finally picked up the phone and made the call... She said she was happy to hear from me and wondered how long it would take before one of us would contact her. She also admitted that her pride got in the way and joked about that being the 1 trade i inherited from her.
Before I made the call, I was unsure of what to say to her after so many years.... but after a few minutes I got all emotional and as much as I tried to hold back the sniffling and the tears, I couldn't... I'm passing it off as many years of bottled up emotions...
We were able to catch up on things for about 30 minutes before my phone died, but we have each other on MSN now.... So at least the line of communication is somewhat open. I'm not looking to be all buddy buddy with her, in some respects I have to get to know her again. You see, I have not lived with her since I was 9 years old, 21 years ago...again... that's another story.
For me it about getting closure... and finally being able to put the past behind me and letting go of a grudge that I've held on to for so long. We've lost so many years and missed out on so many things....I've thrown in the towel, hoping that I get positive results. Or at least knowing I tried and made the attempt....
Thanks again for reading/listening....
Posts
2 comments:
Good For you Sav !!!!
It must have took more guts to pick that phone up and dial that number then anything i have known .
When i hear the stories becki tells me of her mother when she was young. It really makes me appreciate the upbringing i had.
Some things are inherited through the family. I know you will be a great mother when you settle down and pop a few out :P
Your right, Unfortunately some things are inherited... and I have seen history repeat itself when it comes to the women in my family...
I love kids and they respond to me very well... I'm very afraid of bringing live into this world only to abandon them, like she did with us.
On one hand I don't think I ever could abandon them, but it's to the point where I don't even want to put my self in that position... if that makes sense
Most of us say that we don't want to be like our parents... and no matter how hard we try, in some respects we are... I think I'd make a great mother...but I don't think I'll allow myself to experience that...
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